Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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