I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
NoShamevember. You game?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
