why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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