haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
