Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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