I accidentally burped into my bong.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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