ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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