My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
