I wish I only lived at night.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
