I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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