Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
