I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
