Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
