they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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