I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
