you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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