i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
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Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
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I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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