i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Vodka?
Forever.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
