I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
