i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
