Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
