Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
