If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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