weddingsv make me drug and hornr
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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