Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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