he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
