You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
