So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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