he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
