I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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