i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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