I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
