i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
