just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
