im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
