Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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