It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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