Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
