so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
