you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
