...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
