I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
