Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Do you remember whose house we're in?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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