fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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