I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
