Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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