I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
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