Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
