I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
