I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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