im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
