So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
