Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
