birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
