I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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