my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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