I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
